| you wish to have the longest break and take all the rest you can get. a week is acceptable but an almost 3 months extended sabbatical is really dangerous. right now, as i write this post, im slouching and i literally cannot see my foot because my belly is blocking my view. i hate my life these days! thank god i"d be going back to work next month and i wish to burn all these fats until i can feel my spinal cord jutting out of my back! of course im exaggerating. lol. |
Monday, October 27, 2008
litte fat nugget
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
back to basics
A quick post before I go back to my hometown in Laguna. I decided to finally sell my new mobile phone to a dear friend because I am in desperate need of cash for my flight to the other side of the atlantic. It has not been easy for me to decide whether to lose it or keep it but in the end-- I made my decision. Sold. For a good 8 thousand pesos (more than half of how much I bought it for). That's a little sad, but I have to lose some to gain some.
In exchange for the kindness that people has been giving me, I would immediately quit whining about things that could have been, and throw out my window all the non-substantial crap that I keep on talking about. Besides, I have a lot to be thankful for these past few days. I'm grining from ear to ear while I write this.
Watch out for my next blog. Gotta hit the road!
I am taking a long haitus by the way.
In exchange for the kindness that people has been giving me, I would immediately quit whining about things that could have been, and throw out my window all the non-substantial crap that I keep on talking about. Besides, I have a lot to be thankful for these past few days. I'm grining from ear to ear while I write this.
Watch out for my next blog. Gotta hit the road!
I am taking a long haitus by the way.
Monday, October 13, 2008
The day I committed suicide
The worst feeling that one has to endure during a carcrash is having all unresolved issues spin while your car is on its roof turned turtle and out of control on the middle of a freeway. Hell wouldn't even match up to what you have to go through while you are completely undecided about a lot of things while in vain hope that someone could rescue you from possible death--or limbo. You see from below how people are so eager to help you out but yet they won't because they too are part of the carcrash. Necks craning, heads are turned on you while you scream and try to decide whether to protect your heart or your brain. Painful. Awfully painful.
Then you remember what you learned when you were a kid, to always give happinnes a chance and never surrender when things get tough.
Never surrender is what your parents have slapped to your head. Don't quit is what your friends had kept on singing everytime you go out together and discuss your pathetic little world. But still, something traces from the bottom of your spinal cord up to the core of your brain and tell you that you have to some times call it quit. Some things just won't work, and at some degree, waving the white flag seems more logical than changing guns.
So one night, after your ceremonial "goodnight text messages" and saying your chain of prayers, you pulled out a gun. Funny, because this time, you still have to decide whether to shoot your heart or your brain. If I kill my heart, I would put to rest all the weird emotions and regrets than I'm nursing. Point the gun to your head, and bury all the indecisions and immeasurable amount of complicated lifelong questions that will remain unanswered. This is not an easy decision.
I imagined lying on my coffin with a hole in my heart or head.
Then I pulled the trigger. Twice. One shot goes through my heart, and I survived it. In desperate move to kill myself, I shot my temple, but I just won't die.
No blood. No pain. Just more questions.
I realized, I just bore holes on my heart and head. Now, the only problem that I have to deal with is filling this holes so that the world won't find me weird.
..............
I tossed my pillows on the floor and put myself to bed. The one particular thing that I know I am not good at is making decisions. Even when I decide to rest and feel my bed six feet under, I still am breathing and my blood seems to flow even rapidly on my veins. My feet are now even eager to walk gazillion miles and my head, my head and my heart, they just won't quit.
I am now acutely aware, that the only thing you can do to kill yourself and end your worries is to never ever quit. Because even death repulses my indecisions. So, I'll play the hand I'd been given, and hope that I could get out of my car in one piece.
Then you remember what you learned when you were a kid, to always give happinnes a chance and never surrender when things get tough.
Never surrender is what your parents have slapped to your head. Don't quit is what your friends had kept on singing everytime you go out together and discuss your pathetic little world. But still, something traces from the bottom of your spinal cord up to the core of your brain and tell you that you have to some times call it quit. Some things just won't work, and at some degree, waving the white flag seems more logical than changing guns.
So one night, after your ceremonial "goodnight text messages" and saying your chain of prayers, you pulled out a gun. Funny, because this time, you still have to decide whether to shoot your heart or your brain. If I kill my heart, I would put to rest all the weird emotions and regrets than I'm nursing. Point the gun to your head, and bury all the indecisions and immeasurable amount of complicated lifelong questions that will remain unanswered. This is not an easy decision.
I imagined lying on my coffin with a hole in my heart or head.
Then I pulled the trigger. Twice. One shot goes through my heart, and I survived it. In desperate move to kill myself, I shot my temple, but I just won't die.
No blood. No pain. Just more questions.
I realized, I just bore holes on my heart and head. Now, the only problem that I have to deal with is filling this holes so that the world won't find me weird.
..............
I tossed my pillows on the floor and put myself to bed. The one particular thing that I know I am not good at is making decisions. Even when I decide to rest and feel my bed six feet under, I still am breathing and my blood seems to flow even rapidly on my veins. My feet are now even eager to walk gazillion miles and my head, my head and my heart, they just won't quit.
I am now acutely aware, that the only thing you can do to kill yourself and end your worries is to never ever quit. Because even death repulses my indecisions. So, I'll play the hand I'd been given, and hope that I could get out of my car in one piece.
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